I'm determined to be a good sport. I just can't decide at what sport I'd be good.
Although my parents were golfers, I didn't inherit their talent. Addressing the ball, shifting my weight when I swung the club, keeping my head down - basically, I couldn't keep my eye on the ball.
My grandmother kept me on horseback every summer - until a bee stung my horse. He bucked - I fell - he kicked me in the head. As soon as I regained consciousness, I stopped horsing around.
I know you're meant to get back on a horse after falling, but I didn't get back on the hockey field either. Field hockey isn't played socially. The last time I played was in high school. That was also the last time I was called right wing.
With the ocean as my backyard, you'd think swimming would be my sport. It might have been if I hadn't seen "Jaws" - if I didn't hear the movie's theme song every time I went in the ocean - if every ripple in the water didn't look like a shark's fin - if every few months a shark wasn't sighted.
Volleyball is played on our beach. The city provides the nets. All I'd need is a ball and - my youth.
Although I'm an experienced runner - of errands - running as a sport is too physically demanding. After one run-on sentence I'm tired.
Bike riding is popular. Unfortunately, I have a tendency to close my eyes when being passed by large vehicles so I don't see biking as my sport.
I thought I'd make tennis my sport. I love the outfits, but pretty isn't necessarily as pretty does in tennis. Lawn bowling also has pretty outfits, but only my repeated loses taught me to be a good sport lawn bowling.
Wanting to play something well, I went to a sports bar for inspiration. Unless drinking beer, yelling obscenities and bumping chests is a sport, it didn't help.
Friends who sail tried to help, but there's too much terminology. Even the sails have names. I'll stick with the sales at Macy's.
I've come to the conclusion what I am is a natural born spectator. I've reasonably good eyesight, I developed an impressive yell as a mother, I'm coordinated enough to clap and fit enough to do the wave. Being a spectator is something I can do - no sweat.
KNIGHT PIERCE HIRST takes humorous looks at life.
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