I've received some relevant critique to my original article, "Why Do Women Cheat?" This critique falls into two categories: men's experience with a single woman cheating with many others, or men's experience with a number of relationships where it seems the women always cheat on them.
These are legitimate critiques that I didn't originally speak about. One of the reasons I didn't mention them is because the incidence of these experiences is much less frequent than these men think. We tend to judge the world on the basis of our own experience. We think that since we've experienced it in a particular way that it is fairly common. Sometimes, this is true, but not always.
1. So,what is going on when a woman, married or in a serious relationship, has sexual encounters with many men (or even women)? One man stated he learned a little at a time that his wife had "made it" with almost everyone he knew.
Most often we might want to call it poor morals, anger and revenge, or just an insatiable sexual desire. While there is some truth here, I would turn to the fairly obvious obsessive-compulsiveness exhibited. There is some kind of mental issue going on.
We might well speak of it as a relationship or sexual addiction. An addiction is a form of compulsion that leads one to do something repeatedly that is quite injurious to the self or others. Most often in these cases the woman is receiving some kind of brief experience of wholeness, completeness or sense of total love. In reality, it is a behavior of unconsciously escaping from the void or emptiness she experiences inside. The experience is one of fantasy thatends in pain.
So, is it just poor morals, or a compulsive, addictive pattern that needs to be addressed?. I lean toward the latter.
2. When a man repeatedly finds himself in relationships to women who cheat on him, it usually does not mean that all women cheat. It usually means that he is unconsciously attracted to women who will cheat.
How can this be? We have many theories, but no actual proof as to why these patterns repeat. However, we see it all the time. People go from relationship to relationship, each time thinking the partner is quite different from the last, but finding in the end that there are some curious similarities.
The way I see it is that we are almost always attracted to the same personality pattern. But if we continue to grow personally, we tend to pick a healthier version of it each time. That's the hope for the future, not that we will change the pattern that we are attracted to, but that we will be attracted to a healthier version of it.
Does this cover all the possibilities of women cheating? Certainly not. Everyone is an individual, and every relationship has its own individuality. There will be as many different stories as there are people. However, if we stick to the main tenants of respect, fidelity, emotional intimacy, and commitment, we will find the odds are greatly in our favor of having a successful relationship.
Steve Roberts is an experienced Marriage and Family Therapist who shares tips and real life relationship secrets from over 20 years of practice.
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